That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
