Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
