....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
