You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
