I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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