We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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