I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
