His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
