I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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