Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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