I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
