Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
