i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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