i just wanna soil my oats bro
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
