Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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