He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
