How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize