thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Randomize
