Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
