I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize