Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
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