So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
