my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You smell like stripper and shame
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
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