I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Duck Duck Cougar?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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