yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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