Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
