I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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