Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
