we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
