we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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