Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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