I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
