I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
