No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
