Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Found your dick twin last night
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
