would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize