Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
