Old men and throwing up are my life now.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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