Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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