you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
