Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
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