got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
