I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
