I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
