Will you blow on my dice?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize