I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
