And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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