return my video game
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
so much tequila, so little girl.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize