So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
