so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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