I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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