Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
the night ended with taco bell and tears
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I just got carded by a ten year old.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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