Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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