You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
