I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize