Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
ttyl tear gas
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
