Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I think I just sharted jello shots
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