do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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