went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
