i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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