This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
