I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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