There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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