Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
