Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
