yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
