I can text with my tongue
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
