alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
