Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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